


I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

by redsnake05



Category: Bandom, Cobra Starship
Genre: Best Friends, First Time, Loneliness, M/M, Power Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-01
Updated: 2010-02-01
Packaged: 2017-10-11 09:31:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/110919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsnake05/pseuds/redsnake05
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex can't believe he's fallen for his best friend. It's a lonely place to be, but Ryland knows him better than he thinks</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MistressKat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressKat/gifts).



The narrow confines of the bus always started hemming Alex in about a month into any tour. It did it to all of them, really, coralling their energy in ways that some of them dealt with better than others. Alex thought he did okay, going quiet and introspective, yearning for real food that he had cooked, for a bed he could stretch out in. Despite his loathing of how the walls had started to restrict him, Alex still headed back to the bus early, ducking out of the bar after only a few drinks. He wasn't in the mood for Gabe's casual affection or Nate and Victoria's concerned glances. He was even less inclined to watch Ryland flirt with every pretty girl in sight.

He evaded a hug and a meaningless grope from Gabe, smiling briefly at Nate and kissing Vicky on the cheek as he left. Ryland didn't even notice his exit; he was concentrating on some brunette with too much lipstick and dark olive skin. Alex swallowed hard and tried not to think about how white Ryland's fingers were against her hip, how much skin they spanned. He didn't want to imagine how Ryland's hands would look on him as he enclosed Alex against the bar, not letting him escape.

The bus seemed paradoxically smaller when he was the only one on there. He didn't bother turning on any lights, letting the perimeter lights of the bus park flood in and illuminate odd stripes of the inside instead. He liked the way it made the shadows fall strangely, in surreal exaggeration that made it feel less like his prison and more like a movie set. Sighing, Alex drank down most of a bottle of water and headed for the back lounge. It was even darker here and Alex found his guitar mostly by instinct and touch. He settled on the couch and tossed away a half-empty bag of peanuts that crinkled under his elbow as he leaned into the corner and curled around the guitar on his lap.

Alex felt restless and itchy in his skin. He strummed a few chords, jangling sevenths in a row. He couldn't focus like this, with his mind filled with uncomfortable images that he couldn't shake. He closed his eyes and saw Ryland still, head bent to listen to whatever his woman of the moment was saying. Opening them again, Alex shook his head at his own stupidity, falling for his best friend. He'd had to get out of that bar, because Alex had seen Ryland in action before, he knew what would follow. He wanted to see Ryland smile like that at him and it hurt when he saw it directed elsewhere.

Lying back against the arm of the couch, guitar cradled in his arms like a saviour, Alex sighed and willed his mind to blank and his breath to even. He wasn't sure how much later it was when the low sound of laughter from the front of the bus jerked him awake.

"Sleeping beauty," said Ryland's voice, low and close in the dark. Alex blinked up at the ceiling. The guitar was gone from his arms but he was still twisted up uncomfortably. Ryland was sitting on the floor next to the couch, leaning his shoulder against the edge so that he could see Alex's face. They were close enough that Alex could reach out and touch, twisting his finger's in Ryland's hair and maybe dragging him close enough to trade lazy, sleep-soft kisses. For a dazed, half-asleep moment, Alex thought about it. Then he realised that he could smell the faint traces of perfume on Ryland's skin and his stomach turned.

Unwrapping himself jerkily from his position on the couch, Alex managed to avoid touching Ryland at all as he forced circulation back into his muscles and struggled into a sitting position. Ryland tipped his head back to watch Alex, baring his throat in a vulnerable arch. Alex felt nauseous at the sight. He knew that it should be him on the floor for Ryland, sitting there waiting for his touch. But he couldn't say any of that, couldn't even breathe with the lingering smell of feminine colonge and the unseen prints of someone else's fingers on Ryland. He ignored the silent question in Ryland's gaze, even when he uncurled himself from the floor and stood over Alex instead, forcing him to look up at him.

"I need to go to bed," said Alex. He could hear the roughness of his voice, the pleading edge underneath it. Ryland stepped back, giving Alex just enough room to escape to his bunk and the dubious safety of its enclosure.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

Alex knew that being alone was a choice, even if there were no options about being lonely. It wasn't like he couldn't get a warm someone for a night, someone with whom to build a questionable semblance of intimacy. Hell, he could probably find someone taller than him, with strong fingers that could wrap around his wrists and tug him into place and hold him steady as he shook apart. But it would be transitory and meaningless, and he knew that he'd see Ryland in every move they made.

Slumped over at the tiny kitchen table on the bus, Alex stared at the bottle of water in his hands and wondered where his bandmates had gone. They seemed to take every chance to get out and away at the moment, and Alex wasn't sure what it said about his mental health that he was still here. The door to the bus opened and Nate stomped up the steps, looking cold and annoyed, wrapped in a hoodie that might once have been Victoria's.

"It's freezing out there and Gabe is a dick," he announced. He came and sat next to Alex, curling into his side and sighing happily as he leeched warmth from him.

"You say that like it's news," murmured Alex. He shoved lightly at Nate's shoulder before slipping his arm around him and squeezing for a moment. "I'm not your hot water bottle, icicle boy." Nate grinned and rubbed his face against Alex's arm like a cat. His stubble rasped on Alex's skin. "Also, it's not that cold. You need to harden up." Nate's grin grew and he bit Alex lightly, just below where his t-shirt stopped.

"Alex, did you just tell me to get hard?" he asked. "I mean, I'm a kinky boy, but commands like that..." he trailed off, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Alex laughed a bit and tipped his head down to rest against Nate's.

"Don't even front," said Alex. "You'd love it."

"I think I'd be giving the orders, baby," giggled Nate, and shifted so he could press a kiss to the underside of Alex's chin. Alex moved, bringing his free hand up to cup Nate's neck. His thumb rubbed just under his jaw and Alex could feel the pounding of his pulse. He wasn't sure what he was doing, so close to kissing Nate, his _friend_, but he felt his loneliness lifting for a moment as he contemplated it. Then Nate lifted his head and made the decision for him, soft lips opening under Alex's in invitation. He moved with it, gentle and tentative, for a long second before stopping and turning his head away.

"No strings," breathed Nate, still close enough that his lips brushed Alex's jaw. "You're my friend, I want to make you feel better." Alex considered this for the space of a breath before turning back and kissing Nate again. Eyes fluttering closed, he slid his tongue over Nate's lower lip. He could do no strings, and he wanted to feel close to someone right now.

This kiss was harder, with Nate demanding more and Alex giving it to him unreservedly. Alex wanted to cling tighter, see what more Nate would take, but he kept his hands gentle on Nate's neck and back and enjoyed the feeling of being close to someone. Nate kissed as generously as everything else he did. Alex could feel Nate's throat vibrate in a moan the instant before he swallowed it in the kiss.

Nate pushed gently against Alex's shoulder and broke the kiss. Alex looked up to see Ryland staring down at them. He couldn't read anything from his face, and he flushed as he realised how this must look. He slowly let go of Nate and straightened, fighting the urge to fling himself to the other end of the tiny bench. There was no point looking more guilty. Nate's cheeks and lips were red, and he looked young and unconcerned. Alex wanted to kiss him again, just a little bit, to see if more of the happiness would transfer to Alex through his lips and tongue, the touch of his hands. Ryland continued to look at them for a long moment before he shook his head and walked off to the bunks, closing the door firmly behind him.

"Well, shit," said Alex, looking at the closed barrier. Nate laughed and squeezed one of Alex's hands.

"Talk to him," he said. He pressed a kiss, single and chaste, Alex's cheek and slid out of the bench seat. "Thanks for warming me up." Alex smiled up at him and watched him slip back out of the bus. He put his head down on the table and thought about the look on Ryland's face, and the utter lack of pleasure he had taken in the shock he'd seen there.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

Situation normal in the Cobra bus tended to be loud. That was Gabe's default, and, even if the others were more reserved, five people on a bus tended to generate a lot of noise. It made Ryland's silence all the more startling. After three days, Alex was curled up in his bunk, nearly ready to scream or shake Ryland. He knew he wouldn't, though. He was just as avoidant, not wanting to hear what Ryland might have misconstrued from seeing Alex kiss Nate. Tipping his head against the wall, Alex sighed. At least that hadn't been awkward. Nate had been true to his word; the kissing had been no strings. Alex thought Nate might have told Gabe though, he'd had his ass slapped on stage that night and a messy kiss pressed to his neck after the show.

The curtains on his bunk rattled and he jerked upright to see Victoria looking at him with a speculative expression. He relaxed back as best he could and huffed at her with pretend irritation. "Knock, Victoria," he said. "I could have been _naked_"

"You wish," she replied. "Get your arse up, we're early. Six fucking hours to soundcheck and you and I are going shopping."

"Shopping?" he echoed.

"Don't even front," said Vicky. "I've seen you twitching for your wooden spoon and cleaver. It's making me nervous."

"I don't have a cleaver," Alex protested.

"Exactly," said Vicky, nodding like her worst suspicions had been confirmed. Alex laughed and she dropped her solemn front. "Come on, it will be fun. I've already asked and there's a kitchen here but they don't have catering in tonight. We can go and check it out and then go shopping." She looked at Alex for another moment as he pretended to consider her request. Losing patience, she reached in and slapped his arm. "Asshole."

"Okay, okay, don't hit me," he said, moving to jump down from the bunk as Victoria stood back.

"You like it," said Victoria. "You'd beg me to hurt you." Alex didn't laugh, couldn't even smile, as the image of Ryland holding him down and hurting him flickered through his mind. Victoria was close behind him, too close, and he wondered for an instant if she had seen the way his back tensed. He pushed all his uncomfortable thoughts aside and followed her meekly through the venue, through the market and back. Victoria was full of smiles, even though Alex was mostly silent. He was grateful for her cheerful lack of questions. Back at the bus, he carried the box of cooking equipment that Ryland had insisted was essential gear and Victoria carried the food. Gabe smiled and kissed Alex on the temple, following it up with a much more lewd kiss on Victoria's lips that made her smile sweetly and dig the heel of her boot into his foot, grinding down hard. Gabe fell back with a curse and a smile and Alex followed Victoria again.

Once in the kitchen some of his lethargy fell away as he unpacked food and equipment. The kitchen soon echoed with his low-voiced singing and Victoria smiled at him as she sat at the table and sipped her coffee. At some stage she slipped away, leaving him alone with the rhythm of the preparation and the warmth of the ovens. Everything smelled like home, fresh and bright with citrus and the hint of pepper and mint. Rolling out the pastry for the dessert, the almond, sugar and egg mix waiting to fill it, Alex lost himself in the movements. He remembered cooking with his grandmother, listening to her telling stories of her family. Some of them were surely fantastical, but he loved them anyway. She had always listened when he told stories of himself, and he wished she was here. She would know what to do.

Looking up, searching for the saffron he was sure he'd bought, a movement at the table caught his eye. Ryland sat there, still and silent. Alex flushed, more than the heat from the ovens could account for. He wasn't sure how long he'd been there, whether or not he'd heard Alex singing the songs his grandmother used to sing, or the ones they used to sing together. They were songs of lost love and yearning, and he dreaded to think what Ryland might have seen in his face. Ryland didn't say anything, though, as he got up from his seat and crossed to stand behind Alex and wrap his arms around him. Alex couldn't help himself, he melted back into Ryland's embrace, fitting himself to the shape that Ryland allowed him to have. It felt so good, Ryland standing behind him, holding on to him like he was the only thing that mattered in this life. He closed his eyes and felt at home.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

Hotel nights were either oases of calm and relaxation, or they were chances to party in a larger space than that afforded by a bus. The further on they got in a tour, the more often all band members were to value a long shower and a night of sleep on something not moving than going out. Alex and Ryland had always shared, but, even though things had been easier since the afternoon Alex had cooked, they were still odd. Alex pocketed his key card and tried not to think about the long, considering looks that Ryland had been sending his way in the last few days. He wanted to ponder the little brushes of Ryland's fingers over his skin, the hugs and slow rub of Ryland's hand on his back, even less. That way lay madness and more unrequited longing.

Gabe grabbed Alex by the elbow as he was heading for the stairs, tugging him into a warm hug. Nate shot him a smile and a big thumbs up from behind his back and Alex rolled his eyes. He was in a band with dorks. Escaping, he climbed up to the second floor, wondering where Ryland had gone. It wasn't like him to slip off by himself. He was usually in the thick of the action, unless he was out the back getting another kind of action. Alex pushed that thought aside and looked for the right number on the door.

The hotel room was just like any other, two beds with covers pulled smooth and impersonal and a window that looked out onto a carpark and some flickering neon. Alex dropped his duffle on the bed closest to the window and pulled the curtains tight over it, shutting out the night. The room felt no more intimate. Shrugging out of his jacket and draping it over the back of a chair, Alex stretched and twisted, easing the tightness along his spine. He yawned, tired down to his bones, but still sweaty and grimy from playing and from the road. He had to have a shower. Hopefully it would relax him too, enough that he would sleep deeply and not remember his dreams. He extracted his bag of toiletries from his duffle and dropped it on the bed before peeling out of his clothes and tossing them on the floor. He could pick them up later.

The shower was nearly too hot, burning away the worst of his tension along with the accumulated dirt of days of travel. He scrubbed at his scalp, reminding himself to buy more shampoo soon, and let the suds roll down his body and off. When he finally stepped out he was pink all over, cleaner than he'd felt for days. He dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist. He was going to enjoy being clean in clean sheets. As he walked back out into the bedroom, he blinked in astonishment. Ryland glanced over his shoulder, a flush spreading over his cheeks.

"Why are you making the bed?" asked Alex. Ryland looked down at the white sheet clutched in his hand. He looked absurdly like he used to when they were kids, when he'd done something, knowing it would make Alex happy. It wasn't quite expectation, more like it was his right, or his pleasure, to look after Alex. His heart skipped as he looked from Ryland to the sheets again. "Why are you making _my_ bed?" he asked again.

"Your Grandmother used to wash the sheets with lemon verbena," he said. "I thought you might like it." Alex didn't hesitate, crossing the short space to fit himself against Ryland. He laid his head between his shoulder blades, not caring about getting Ryland's shirt wet, barely noticing that Ryland had obviously found time to have his own shower elsewhere. Ryland adjusted his stance, shifting to brace himself, to support Alex. "You're going to have to let go of me so I can put the top sheet on," said Ryland. Alex shifted so he could meet Ryland's gaze as he craned his neck to look over his shoulder at Alex.

"And then what?" asked Alex.

"Then I kiss you," said Ryland. Alex waited for a moment, watching Ryland closely. He looked expectant, like he was waiting for Alex. This was so different to all the times Alex had watched him flirting and playing. He was serious, an edge of intensity to his statement that Alex had never seen before. He just wanted to do whatever Ryland told him, and it looked like Ryland was going to tell him all the things he'd been wanting to hear. He swallowed hard.

"Can you kiss me now?" he asked. Ryland laughed softly and dropped the sheet. Turning, he framed Alex's face in his hands, leaning in for a kiss that was a tease of lips and the promise of more. This kiss was different to their fumbling adolescent experiments, their few drunken kisses as adults. Alex could feel the change; this was a declaration.

"Wait for me," said Ryland, breaking the kiss. Alex moved to sit on the other bed and watch as Ryland shook out the sheet and draped it over the bed. His movements were quick and sure as he smoothed out the cotton over the expanse of bed. Watching him, the movement of his hands and the way he bent and stretched to reach the corners, Alex felt both content and impatient for more. He banked back his feelings of haste, letting anticipation settle in his belly. Ryland would set the pace, Alex was sure. He just had to move in step with him, and he was sure he could do that; he'd been doing it for years.

Ryland folded back the sheets and straightened, looking across the bed at Alex. "Lie down," he said, "let me look at you." Alex stood and dropped the towel. He was half-hard and self-conscious for a moment before he met Ryland's gaze. It wasn't the first time they'd seen each other naked, but it was the first time he'd seen possessive lust written on Ryland's face when he looked. He slid onto the bed and stretched out. Ryland unbuttoned his shirt hastily, shrugging it off his shoulders. Unfastening his jeans, he pushed them down and kicked them off, along with his boxers. He crawled onto the bed and Alex wanted to kiss him. He waited for Ryland to get to him.

"I want to fuck you," Ryland said. He kissed the inside of Alex's knee as his hand curled round one ankle and tugged. Parting his legs obediently, Alex made room for Ryland to crawl closer between them. Hot kisses trailed up his thigh as Ryland's fingers gripped on one hipbone to hold him still. Alex wanted to squirm, but he stayed still under the pressure of Ryland's hand. "You're so good," he mumbled into Alex's belly button. Alex did wriggle then, stopping abruptly as Ryland's fingers tightened warningly. "I knew you'd be like this for me," he continued. "It took me so long to see it."

"Oh, fuck," gasped Alex. "When, when did you see? Is this-" He broke off in a moan as Ryland licked over one nipple and then the other.

"It was never something I thought I could have," said Ryland. "But it's all I've been able to think about these last few days. _You're_ all I've been able to think about."

"Can I touch you?" asked Alex. Ryland kissed the hollow between his collarbones.

"All you ever have to do is ask me," he said. "I'm going to give you _everything_." Alex's fingers were on him before he finished speaking, tight and a little shaky on his shoulders, pulling him closer, urging him down against Alex's body. He groaned as their cocks rubbed together, both of them hard. He ran his hands down Ryland's back, enjoying the luxury of his skin, and tipped his face up for a kiss.

Where their first kiss had been temptation and promise, this one was gluttony. Ryland's mouth was demanding, from the sharp sting of his teeth in Alex's lip to the way he explored his mouth with his tongue. Alex panted into it, rocking up against Ryland insistently.

"I'm not going to last," he confessed, arching his neck as Ryland kissed along his jaw to bite and suck on the skin under his ear and down his throat. Alex couldn't stop the noises he made, gasping around them to say, "I want you to fuck me." Ryland pulled back and reached into the top drawer of the nightstand, pulling out lube and condoms. Alex arched his brows.

"Taking something for granted?" he asked, keeping his voice level. He wanted Ryland with a voracity that frightened him a little, but he couldn't bear the thought that this might be just another hook-up tfor him.

"I was hopeful," said Ryland, smiling wide. "Fuck, Alex, I had the most terrible crush on you at school." He dropped the supplies on the bed and leaned forward to kiss Alex slowly and thoroughly. "But you weren't interested, then. And now you want me to do all the things I have ever dreamed of doing to you, and want me to be your boyfriend too."

"You haven't asked me if that's what I want," said Alex, holding on to his composure carefully.

"Please tell me I haven't read this all wrong," Ryland said. The look was back, the one that said he was trying to give Alex what he needed, but this time there was nervousness too.

"You haven't," said Alex, finally letting the happiness bloom in his chest and the smile unfurl over his face. He tugged Ryland close and wrapped his arms around him tight, feeling the glow of the love between them. "I want that too, all the things you can think of." Ryland ran his hand down Alex's side, leaning his weight on his other elbow.

"I'm not misreading this, either, am I?" he asked. "How you want me to tell you what to do?" His voice was surer this time, and, even though Alex couldn't see his face, he was certain that the nervousness was gone. He shivered a little and tried to pull Ryland even closer.

"No, definitely not," he said. Ryland pressed his smile into Alex's neck, following it up with kisses and soft bites. "Still going to fuck me?" he asked.

Ryland lifted his face to grin at Alex. He urged him to turn over onto his knees with insistent hands, but, instead of the lube-slippery fingers Alex expected, it was Ryland's tongue that slicked wet over his hole. Alex moaned and buried his face in the sheets. The faintest smell of lemon still clung to them, sharp and nostalgic over the bliss of Ryland's touch. This is what they were to each other, home-cooked meals and cotton to wrap themselves in and make a world out of their bodies.

Ryland added the slow press of his fingers alongside his tongue. Alex moaned again as the finger slid out and Ryland's tongue slid in a little, the groan of appreciation he made sending vibrations into Alex's ass, making him clench his fingers in the sheets and sob for breath. He let go of all his fears and turned himself over to Ryland's touch, Ryland's wishes. Ryland continued touching him, licking over and around his hole, fingers stretching teasingly. Alex knew he was getting loud, burying his moans and pleas inffectually in the bedding.

"You sound so good, don't hold back," said Ryland. He pressed a kiss to the small of Alex's back as he finally lubed his fingers. The stretch was sublime, Ryland adding a third finger and twisting his hand. Hands clenching in the sheets, Alex shoved back against them with a groan. Ryland kissed his back again, pulling away and urging Alex to turn over again. "Like this," he said, kissing Alex's throat and tugging his leg up to get between them.

"Oh, god, like this," agreed Alex. He fumbled on the sheets for the condoms, tearing a packet open and giving it to Ryland. Ryland was looking at him, possessive lust written all over his face. He looked like Alex was the only thing in the world, every curve and plane of him shaped to fit perfectly, to make a country of their skin together. He took the condom and slicked it on, lube-messy hand slipping on Alex's thigh as he urged him to shift. Breathing out on a long, shuddering moan, Alex arched into the first thrust. Ryland buried his own groan in Alex's shoulder. They were pressed close together, Alex's hands moving over Ryland's back, trying to urge him closer as they rocked together.

"Fuck, Alex," breathed Ryland. His back was slippery with sweat under Alex's clutching fingers. "God, you're so-" He broke off to groan again as Alex got his other leg up and around his waist. Alex was hot, gasping for breath between broken moans of half-formed words. He was close, wasn't sure that he was going to need more than the friction of Ryland's belly against his cock to get him there. "Love you," said Ryland, repeating the words in an erratic mumble over Alex's shoulder and neck. "Come for me when you want," he said, biting the skin just under Alex's ear. "Want to feel you around me."

The friction and closeness were all Alex needed. He reached the peak unexpectedly, body tightening up and nails digging into Ryland's back as he came, Ryland's name on his lips with jumbled declarations. He slowly relaxed back into the bed with Ryland still tense and urgent above him. He cradled him close with shaky hands and urged him to thrust again. Ryland did, almost too much for Alex's oversensitised skin, but he clung on and loved even this, knowing that he was making Ryland fall apart in his arms. Each long thrust jarred Alex beautifully, and he mumbled his love and praise into Ryland's hair.

Ryland went tight, hips snapping out of rhythm as he groaned and came, collapsing onto Alex for a moment before he shifted enough to support his own weight and avoid crushing Alex into the mattress. They stayed like that for a long moment before Ryland pulled back with a groan, fingers fumbling on the edge of the condom. Alex felt lightheaded, slightly shaky, watching Ryland with satisfied awe as he dropped the condom into the bin and snagged Alex's abandoned towel. He wiped them both off gently, little nibbling kisses to Alex's skin in the wake of the towel making him squirm lazily. Twisting them round, Ryland spooned up behind Alex and tugged the top sheet over them both.

"We ruined your beautiful clean sheets," yawned Alex. Lube was drying flaky in the patches Ryland had missed, but he didn't care. Ryland nuzzled into the back of Alex's neck.

"Made them better," he replied, sleepy complacency in each word. "I like the smell of you and I together."

"You're a kinky boy," said Alex.

"I am," said Ryland. "Tomorrow, I'll show you how much." Alex smiled to himself and relaxed further into Ryland's embrace and the comforting familiarity he offered, overlaid with lust and exciting possibility. It was everything Alex could ever want, wrapped up in sheets that still smelled of lemon verbena.


End file.
